Damn this shit. Seriously. Got into a great fight with my sister earlier on and now I can't stop crying. Now, when I say 'fight' I mean like, really fighting, with hitting and stuff. And no, I'm not crying because of the fight. I'm the person who started it - I know it's my fault, whenever something happened and if it's my fault, I just know that it is, I won't find any excuse for myself to run away from.
Despite all that, during times like this when I'm in a bad mood, I can't help but cry because I'll come to realize that there's actually nobody that I can talk to in the entire world, nobody to ask me what is wrong, nobody who can understand me well. Yep I feel bad for saying this but I'm also the fault that I don't have close friends like others have, I'm probably the most awkward person in the world and I feel awkward being close to somebody and I'm actually scared of revealing myself to others because I know nobody's gonna like that side of me since I'm so childish and mean and selfish, and not to mention, competitive. On the surface I may be some nice girl who talks and laughs with you, but how would you know that I actually dislike you? Ugh idk, I'm actually the meanest and the most horrible person I've ever known. I'm not beautiful on the outside, neither am I beautiful on the inside.
Even though I know that I'm not a nice person, I do things that upset people often, I still wish that I have somebody who I can trust fully and tell everything to. Well I used to have one person who I can talk to. But that one person left without know that he/she's the only person who I can actually tell everything to. I want somebody who I can whine about all my troubles and childish things to, and won't judge me for who I actually am on the inside.
Fuck this. I am crying so hard now. This is plain dumb. I'm going to regret writing this post but if I don't blog this I'll probably kill myself because I seriously have no other people to talk to. Because nobody cares, okay? Well I know there are people who cares, but I just can't bring myself to share that different side of me with them. I wish I am more outgoing and friendly too, I wish I am not so awkward and that I don't have so many friends who have drifted away from me.
It's kinda sad to realize that one day everyone's going to drift away from me. So if everyone going to leave me one do why should I bother trying to love them? Love only hurts. It can make you strong, but it can also make you vulnerable to pain. It can make you feel so rejected and depressed. I'm still not sure what I had felt before was 'love', how would you know what love is really like. But after what I had felt, I realize I can't bring myself to feel that way for any others.
Ugh wth I'm starting not to make any sense already.
My eyes are so going to get freaking swollen tomorrow. :(
I hate how after I got into a fight with my sis she'll always be complaining about it everyone she knows, and post it everywhere - Facebook, twitter, her audi friends etc I can't even. She wants the whole world to know that she's right and blah blah blah while I just sit here with my thoughts all jumbled up in my mind without anybody to talk to.